Yesterday we went to church as we always do on Sunday. We greeted all of our church friends and made our way back to the kids’ church. The kids are immediately greeted by Ms. Sue and run off to their own rooms. Alex and I headed in to take our normal seats in the front right corner of the church. All was normal as we began worship and greet our neighbors.
After about 45 minutes, I got up to do my usual “check on Chasen” run. I tiptoed into the school-age worship area to quietly observe the situation. While all the children were sitting in their chairs, chatting with friends (instead of listening), and singing along with the songs, I spotted my child…over at the end of a row, running into a wall and bouncing back towards his chair, climbing on a big crate prop, chewing on his shirt collar, and basically in his own little world. I stood there and watched him for a bit and only intervened when it looked like he may hurt himself or another child. I went over to him and asked him to try to sit still and pay attention but he chose to sit in his chair and ignore the rest of the class. A friend of mine who was working in Chasen’s class came over and told him that she was going to be his teacher today and that she had all the snacks laid out for the kids (with Chasen’s special gluten free snack at the boys’ table) and also told him that things would be done a little differently as they were playing a game during snack this time. I knew that this would help the transition from the large class into the smaller classroom (which is where we usually have major meltdowns).
I returned to my seat to catch a little bit of the sermon about mourning and grieving a loss whether it be a physical, emotional, or spiritual loss. I sat trying to listen but the whole time I just kept thinking of Chasen back there in his classroom. I am ALWAYS thinking of him when I am not around him. I have a hard time letting him go because I never know what is going to happen when I am not there to help him.
At the end of the sermon, Pastor Adam had us do a little exercise that we have done before (and I must say, in the past when we have done this I just felt stupid…sitting there with nothing really happening). Adam asked us to close our eyes and picture ourselves in a safe place…all alone. I pictured myself on a secluded beach and tried to feel peaceful and stop thinking about Chasen. We were told to then picture Jesus coming up to us to join us for a chat. I did this (my form of Jesus looked kinda like a young Robert Redford with longer hair and a scrufty beard) and then tried to let myself go. Adam told us just to listen to what Jesus had to say to us or ask him anything we wanted to ask. Immediately, my question was “WHY??”. That was all I had to say and the tears just started steaming down my cheeks. I finally allowed myself in that moment to think about everything that I had been trying to push away. I am known as the rock, the nurturer, the one who doesn’t let things get to her…but at that moment, all those walls fell away and I mourned.
I mourned the loss of my child. I realized in that moment that all the hopes and dreams that I had for my child may never come true. I always thought I would eventually be a soccer mom or a football mom…sitting in the stands cheering for my son. Now I realize I may just be happy cheering for him to be part of ANY group of kids…let alone part of the team. I always worried about the day when I would send my son off to his senior prom and hope that he wouldn’t spend the night drinking or renting a hotel room. I now just hope that he will have learned the social skills to even WANT to take a girl to a dance. I used to think of all those late nights waiting up for my son to come home from hanging out with his friends or lying about going to a party…I now realize he will probably spend those late nights alone in his room on his computer.
So I stood in the church, surrounded by those that I know love me, and I mourned. I cried quietly to myself and didn’t want to share my feelings. I knew that our situation was not as bad as others out there. Although I was mourning the loss of the child I always thought I would have, I still had two healthy and happy children. I mourned the loss and then headed back to the kids’ area to embrace my children and love them for who they are. Granted, the second Kyan saw me he screamed “MOMMY!!!” while Chasen merely began telling me about some level that he was close to completing in his Super Mario game. Even though every night, I know as I turn off the light in the boys’ room, Kyan will say “Goodnight, Mommy! I LOVE YOU!!” while Chasen quietly reads his books in his top bunk…I still make it a point to make sure that Chasen hears me say “I love you, Chasen!” because I do. I love my child and I always will…even if he isn’t the child I originally thought I had.
(read more on our family blog: http://www.theclarkfamilychronicles.blogspot.com )
Just Amy Being Amy 